Answering Your Dating Questions (Part 1)

Monday, February 07, 2011

Yesterday my wife Shannon and I gave our semi-annual dating talk in college class.  If you missed it, feel free to download it on the website (http://www2.grace-bible.org/downloads/sermons/sermons.asp).

At the end of the talk we took a few questions from students, but we didn't have time to answer all of them.  For the next few weeks I'm going to post answers to some of the leftover questions, as well as some common questions we've received on this topic over the years.  Feel free to post follow-up questions or even new questions in the comments section.

One question we received yesterday that comes up frequently:

Is it okay to enter a dating relationship if I'm not interested in marriage?

I'm assuming here that you don't mean that you never intend to get married, but that you simply know ahead of time that you aren't interested in marrying the particular person you are interested in dating. I'm also assuming that we're talking about a young adult here, a college student or older.  My answer might vary if I were talking to high school students.

The Bible does not directly address your question, but in evaluating this situation I would ask a couple of questions:

-Do you really already know that you would never marry this person? If so, why? There is something attracting you to him or her, whether good looks or a great personality or some other trait. Few people (if any) enter a relationship certain of the future outcome, but you seem to already know that the relationship will not end in marriage. That makes me wonder if there is some factor disqualifying this person from consideration -- perhaps he or she is not a Christian or has some negative character traits.

-If the person is disqualified from being a future marriage partner, then why do you want to spend so much time with him or her in a romantic way? I suppose there could be a variety of reasons for this -- perhaps you get something out of the relationship (fun, affirmation, pleasure, etc.) or perhaps you feel you are positively contributing to the other person in some way (helping his/her self-esteem, sharing the Gospel, etc.). If you are dating the person to meet your own needs with no intention of marriage, isn't that a bit selfish?  You want to squeeze the fun out of the relationship even though you know you will eventually break up. On the other hand, if you are in it to help the other person, do you think he or she will really appreciate your generosity after the break-up? There are numerous ways to encourage and build another person up without engaging in a long-term romantic relationship.

It seems that this is a relationship destined to cause pain for one or both parties in the long run. You might feel that you can remain objective and avoid falling in love, but are you sure the other person can? Are you even truly sure that you can?

Shannon and I used Proverbs 3:3 as our overarching principle yesterday: "Do not let kindness and truth leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart." It's just tough for me to see how it is kind or truthful to enter a relationship with another person knowing for certain that you intend to end it after your needs are met.

As young adults, you are at the stage of your life when dating ought to have a purpose -- to determine whether the other person is a suitable marriage partner, and to see if you are one as well. You don't need to know on the first date, or even on the 50th date, but the relationship should be making progress in that direction, in my opinion.  If it's clearly not going that way, it's probably best to end it now before causing further pain to yourself and the other person.

Do you have other thoughts on the subject? Any other questions you'd like to see us address on here?

Why You Shouldn't Do College Ministry (Part 3)

Monday, January 31, 2011

You shouldn't do college ministry if:

Crazy ideas make you nervous.

Several years ago a student approached me asking if he could organize a 24-hour prayer vigil for 7 days in our college building. I'm going to reveal my personal lack of faith here, but my first thought was, "Oh no. It's going to be a crazy student party involving muggings and vandalism and all kinds of destruction.  Who gives the keys the building to a group of students?"

So I suggested he go talk to the facilities staff (little secret about pastors -- if they tell you to talk to the building people they are quietly hoping you might never return, that you'll get lost in the terrifying labyrinth that is church facility policy).

The facilities staff came back to me and asked if it was okay.  I was starting to wonder why we had facilities staff.

So I took a deep breath and said, "Sure! If it's okay with you, then it's alright with me."

We unleashed these crazy students, armed them with a key to the building, and gave them the green light. And do you know what they did?

They organized our church to PRAY! For 7 days there was a constant stream of people going in and out of the building at all hours to pray for our ministry.  Not just students, either. There were youth kids, young adults, old adults, and yes, college students.  Hundreds of people.

And God responded -- it was one of the most exciting, fruitful seasons of ministry since I've been a college pastor.

Go figure -- unleash an army of students to do something crazy, and they might just do something wonderful.  Yes, it might be messy, but it might change your church or even your world.

So if you are a compulsive rule-follower, college ministry might be tough on you. But if you are willing to let a little bit of wacky in the door -- well, who knows what God might do through a few devoted and wild-eyed students?

Responding to Brother Jed (Repost)

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

[NOTE: I first posted this in August 2009.  Today I spotted Brother Jed again on the A&M campus, so I'm reposting it for students who might have missed it the first time around. Hope it's helpful...I'll return on Monday to my series on College Ministry]

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” 

Ephesians 2:8-9.

For the past couple of weeks, “Brother Jed” has been preaching to students near the MSC on the Texas A&M campus. Most days he has spoken to crowds of forty or fifty at a time, some of whom listen quietly and others who argue and debate theology with him. 

When I heard him last Wednesday, I was struck by some odd comments he was making regarding the nature of mankind, particular man’s sinfulness (or lack thereof). I took it upon myself to visit his website -- yes, this open-air preacher has a well-developed website -- to learn a bit more about his theology. While scrolling through the FAQ’s, I ran across the following statement: “I consider it an honor to be considered a modern day Pelagius.” Suddenly I understood the theological background of his preaching about sin and salvation. Allow me to explain. 

Pelagius (c. 354 – 420 A.D.) was a British monk who came to Rome in 380 A.D. preaching a brand of theology that quickly attracted a following. Most notably, Pelagius denied that mankind was inherently sinful; he instead insisted that humanity was born with the innate capacity in his unredeemed state to please God through acts of righteousness. Consequently, the “grace of God,” according to Pelagius was nothing more than God’s assistance of men and women to earn his approval through good works. In a very real sense, he believed that we could earn our salvation if we tried hard enough. 

Needless to say, this casts doubt on the absolute necessity of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ for salvation. Most Pelagians believe that the death of Christ was simply an example for us to follow, and not a substitution of God’s Son on our behalf to satisfy the Father’s wrath for our sin. Some, however, hold that the atonement removes our individual acts of sin, but that our works cooperate with the cross of Christ to provide salvation. Christian perfection is possible and expected in their system because we are inherently righteous; sin is generally redefined to mean only voluntary or willful transgressions against the revealed Law.

The problem, of course, with Pelagius’s system is that it is incompatible with numerous passages of Scripture. Romans 5:12-17 makes it clear that we are inherently sinful as a result of the sin of Adam; he represented us in his sin, and because of it we are condemned. Ephesians 2:1-3 states that we are “by nature children of wrath,” not merely as a result of evil deeds but as a consequence of a broken and sinful nature. The ONLY solution is complete reliance on the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ for eternal life (Ephesians 2:8-9). Good works will never be meritorius, because they cannot overcome our inherent sinfulness (Romans 3:9-20).

Ultimately, the Church rejected the views of Pelagius at the Council of Ephesus in 431 A.D. and embraced the views of Augustine, who held a more biblical position on grace and original sin. 

As you walk by and hear Brother Jed this week, I would encourage you not to engage him in debates or arguments about his theology. Instead, use his presence as an opportunity to share with your friends the true message of Jesus Christ: Sinful and depraved men and women have the opportunity for salvation only because of what He has done on our behalf. He transforms broken men and women into conformity with Christ, rather than expecting that we transform ourselves for sake of earning salvation. Hallelujah, what a Savior indeed!

Matt Morton

Why You Shouldn't Do College Ministry (Part 2)

Monday, January 24, 2011

You shouldn't do college ministry if:

You are uncomfortable with making new friends or losing touch with old ones.

I recently read a blog post asking church leaders how they feel when good people leave their church. Many of the comments in response came from pastors who expressed a great deal of angst at the thought of "losing" their solid leaders and faithful attenders to another church or town.

For a college pastor, seeing people leave is par for the course, as is seeing new people constantly arrive. From the moment a person walks in the door, a college minister recognizes that he has four or five years at most to invest in this person's life. Not unlike youth ministry, each year brings the bittersweet experience of seeing dear friends and ministry partners graduate and depart. It's simultaneously the best and the worst part of serving college students.

It's the worst part because of the pain of seeing friends leave, knowing that they won't be a daily part of your life anymore. 

It's the best part, though, because we know that those friends are going into the world to reflect Jesus in their homes and workplaces and churches.  We are hopeful that in some small measure our ministry has had an impact on the way they view their lives and their walk with the Lord. And we pray that they will transform their communities for Jesus.

It's the best part of the job because our congregations are literally scattered across the globe making disciples. Not every pastor has the privilege of seeing such a worldwide impact in just a few years. And each year we welcome new students who are eager to change the world for Jesus, and the process begins anew.

Not too long ago another pastor asked me how I cope emotionally with the constant revolving door that is college ministry.  I told him that I remember on important fact: We're not losing them, we're launching them.  

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